I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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