Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
