i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
