me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
