my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
