Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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