did you get engaged???
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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