Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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