everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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