I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
