I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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