The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
