Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
