If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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