I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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