Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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