nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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