My friends, they love my intelligence
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
