The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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