a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
