Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
