I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
