**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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