if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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