Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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