I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
operation have a gay friend backfired
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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