I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Randomize
