Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the day after is always just damage control
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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