I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I need water and some morals
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
