It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
