Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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