if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
