Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
