I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
