Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
