the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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