I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
