There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
