you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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