I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
