These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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