Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
