He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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