and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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