genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
