sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Randomize
