I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
