Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
