I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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