Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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