doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
