They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
