I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
