It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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