I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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