Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
