Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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