Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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