So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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