I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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