if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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