I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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